The One Thing…

…that’s always there for me, no matter what:  My iPhone (AKA Siri – which I realize is a completely unoriginal name but makes sense nonetheless).

I was trying to make a list of why I love my boyfriend, but instead of being funny/amazing it was basically back and forth borderline between vomit-inducingly cute, and unfortunately pathetic-sounding.  And then, somehow, my brain went on a weird tangent about how Siri never lets me down, Siri does so much for me…and now we have a list.

Ways In Which Siri Is Really Truly There For Me

  • She always lets me know when my friends want to talk to me.
  • She doesn’t get jealous.
  • She lets me awkwardly talk to her about nothing when I’m avoiding the eye contact of those people who hand out fliers on the street.
  • She entertains me during class.
  • She can do math.
  • She can find ANYthing on the internet, whenEVER I think I randomly need to know it.
  • She is awake at all hours of the night.
  • She’s classy, and she doesn’t put up with cursing.
  • I got her to call me Sexy Pants.
  • She’s proof that black is slimming.
  • She remembers things I tell her.
  • She listens to me, and if she messes up I just repeat myself and all is well.
  • She never raises her voice.
  • She expects nothing in return for her service.
  • She fits in my pocket.
So before you go out and hit on guys in bars, or buy a new puppy, or attempt to befriend your 10 year old sister…just consider shelling out the moolah for one of these, mk? Trust me, it’ll never let you down (or dump you, bite you, give you a makeover with markers, etc).

PS – I know I said I was gone for the summer, but I just randomly got a ton of new followers, and I decided to come back, finish up this post I’ve had sitting around forever, and REMIND you guys that I’m at http://www.8ntsettlin.wordpress.com this summer.  So follow that. 

Summer Vacation

This summer I’m taking a vacation from the XDH.  I’m busy.  I’m sick.  I’m stressed.  I’m studying.  I have zero time for anything, much less a random snarky blog that nobody reads.

And once summer comes around, I’ll have more time to blog but nothing snarky to say, given that my summer is consisting of a lot of self-repair, a little self-indulgence, 3 new roommates, an unpaid internship, and trying to learn how to ride a bus and live on a budget.  Sounds fun, right?

So I decided I’d maybe make a summer move, not just from my East Coast University to my Undisclosed Internship City, from from exdramahound.wordpress.com to 8ntsettlin.wordpress.com.  If you go there right now there’s nothing up yet, but I’m putting my first post up ASAP so check back.  And seriously, don’t bother moving over, subscribing, or getting comfortable.  It’s going to be real, and boring, and respectable, and probably mostly about food.

And next year, trust me, I’ll be right back where I belong.
<3

PS - I ain’t settlin’ for anything less than everything anymore.  So bring it on, summer.  I dare you.

Again With The Weird…

My Evolution teacher this semester, from here on out referred to as Dr. Nye, is the man.  He wears shirts that say things like “look at me talking while there’s science to be done” and he calls on everyone in the class at least once a period, but doesn’t know any of our names, thus he uses words like “blue hat guy”, “really tan one in the back row”, “you”, and “purple stripes.  look down, you’re wearing stripes.  geez.”

So from the very first day of class I knew he would be awesome, because here’s how the lecture began:
Dr. N: You, red shirt, what do you want to do with your life?
Red Shirt: Uhhh…
Dr. N: Ok, what about, YOU, in the glasses.  You look like you know what you wanna do with yourself.
Me: I want to go to grad school.
Dr. N: And study?
Me: Paleontology.
Dr. N: That’s…weird.
Five minutes later, after a small lecture on grad schools from Dr. N.
Dr. N: Anyone here live on a farm?
Me: Well, my parents have chickens, does that count?
Dr. N: Again with the weird…
So I’ve been writing down every amazing thing he says since then so that I can blog about him.  So here we go – hang out to your hats, blue and otherwise.

Knowing about dinosaurs has no potential bearing on us.  Should we? Or is it a waste of time and money?  It’s cool.  That’s worth something.

To study evolution, you need to know a little bit about a lot of things and that’s a very attractive idea to some of us.  At this point my heart had already pledged itself to him in a student-stalker kind of way.  This is exactly why I’m studying what I am.

When geologists get drunk…thrusting and schist…just go find some geologists and get them drunk.  Please.

From his syllabus, word for word: ZOMG wen u email me, pls spell teh words like a grownup, kthxbi.

Google duck penis sometime.  They’re really bizarre looking.

Like I said, I think I have a cold.  So I’m returning your assignments but don’t put them in your mouth.

Bacteria are sluts for DNA.  They will pick it up anywhere.

I’m pretty confident East-Coast-State-We’re-In is the geologically most boring state.

They’re longer then they are wide, I’m sure they’ve been used for contraceptives before.

McNuggets don’t grow on trees, ok?

You, orange hair thingy, yeah, you.  Stand up.  Pretend you’re in Mexico and it’s 95 degrees…

*Someone’s cell phone goes off* UHOH, someone’s Tamagatchi is bored…

Let’s see….who in here looks like a mutant…

When I was seven I was asking my dad what number was bigger than a thousand.  He said a million – it blew my mind.  I was an obnoxious child, I kept asking and asking and eventually he said ‘some numbers are too big to have names” so I decided that the smallest unnamed number was now called a Horsejillion.  It’s true.  We now have a horsejillion bases in this DNA strand and….

Now, there is a little more to sex than crossing over, believe me…

Student: Don’t we have an exam on Thursday?
Dr. N: Oh, we do?  I guess I should write that…

After Gregor Mendel, EVERYONE wanted to just go out and do science.


While using Gilligan’s Island as an example population of humans: Two questions, one: how on Earth do you guys know these things about a TV show that was on before your parents were even born?…

We know the skipper and Gilligan aren’t going to reproduce because they’re gay…No, go watch it again.  They couldn’t be ‘out’, it was the 60′s.  But trust me.

Can you imagine a snake that killed it’s prey not by constricting, not by poison, but by DROPPING from above and crushing it? Wow.  I’d watch that documentary.

Let’s say you survive until you’re 90…that seems unlikely for someone wearing a backwards hat, but whatever.

You know that sleep aid ad where the killer moth comes in and forces you to sleep?

If you ARE gonna pass on your genes, god help us….

So, you’re more attractive, in this purely hypothetical situation…

In the wild, for instance, dachshunds wouldn’t do so well.  They’re…ridiculous.

 

I can’t apologize enough…

…for being such a failure.  I mean, I only have like 12 people that bother to follow me at all, and they’re obviously dead and gone by now, considering how long it’s taken me to post anything, anything at all lately.  Wow.

Just so you guys know, it’s not entirely my fault.  I’m trying to get my second blog started (something else for you to not update, according to A), and while I’m at school I have class all day, and then work, and then dinner, and then homework and time with the boyfriend (yeah, I said it, the boyfriend.  We’ll get to that later.  Maybe), and then I’m tired so I sleep and then I have to do it all over again….

But now I’m on spring break.  And I have endless time.  And I can’t think of anything good to write about.  I’m so very uninspired.  But I have a giant cup of iced coffee, nowhere to be today, some homework I’m not going to do, and the house to myself, so you’d think I’d make some progress, wouldn’t ya?

Wish me luck, ok?  And hang in there.  I’ll be back eventually.

It Takes Two To Tango – Trust Me, I know.

But first, a little song:

Let’s get loud, let’s get loud!
Ain’t nobody gotta tell you / What you gotta do

Life is meant to be big fun / You’re not hurtin’ anyone

Nobody loses / Let the music make you free
Be what you wanna be / Make no excuses 

So, besides this being a fantastic song, that always gets stuck in my head, AND has nice meaningful lyrics (because that’s what the XDH values in music, really); this happens to be my favorite song to ChaCha to.  Yeah, that’s right, I can ChaCha, bitches.

Part of why I didn’t ever post anything up on here over winter session was because I was busy dancing.  Now, let’s get something straight – the XDH has always had a few hard and fast rules, and one of them is “I don’t dance” (others include “I’m scared of apes, I don’t date engineers, I will never get pregnant, I don’t play volleyball, I don’t get drunk, etc.  Very few of these rules are currently intact.)  However, that being said, I was going to be trapped here doing research and taking Spanish and being BORED and for one more credit-worth-of-tuition, I could take Introduction to Ballroom Dancing.  I figured I’d try it out, get some exercise, meet some people, and probably drop it when I inevitably remembered that I don’t dance.

Well.  Life certainly has proven ME wrong these past couple of weeks.  Suffice it to say, dancing is fun.  Ballroom is fun.  I spent 1.5 hours a day in class, 3 hours of Monday night at a local bar’s Salsa Night, 2 hours of Tuesday nights practicing the University’s Ballroom Dance Team, and the occasional Thursday/Friday swing dancing with some of my new friends.  I made lots of new friends, and also lots of muscles.

Spring semester started, and I lack the time (or the class :’( ) to dance as much as

I had to cut off our heads - DancePartner doesn't deserve this kind of internet smack, and really, neither do I. But lookit! We're dancing!

I was, but I still go to said bar’s Monday-night-salsa-dancing.  And I met some awesome people, including my FABULOUS dance partner who is way better than I am, a good leader, not too tall for me, BUILT, super nice, AHdorable, and freaking hilarious.  [For reasons as to why the XDH is not pursuing said dance partner, please see next post, coming soon to a web browser near you].  Pursuing or not pursuing, you can’t begrudge me the enjoyment of salsa-ing in the very nice arms of a very nice good-looking man.  You really can’t.

There you have it – update number one.  I have a list (what a surprise!) by the way.  I have a lot of things to fill you guys in on, and a lot of blogging time off to make up for – and I figured I’d start with the ChaCha.  Or the Rumba.  Actually, the Waltz or the Foxtrot would’ve worked pretty well.  And as you may have noticed, I can salsa and swing, too.  For serious.

<3 The XDH

HaHaHa. And Ha.

Hi there.  I expect a huge and glorious ‘Welcome Back!’ from you guys – if I haven’t lost my few but awesome readers, that is!  I’m sorry it’s been so long.  I promise that I will explain my absence and all that transpired ASAP, but right now I’m in Spanish class and I’m just throwing together this quick post so I can get back on the map.

I can’t remember exactly why this came up – it was either my awkward friend with too many dates lined up, or my ex boyfriend, or possibly my gay best friend but ONE of them was asking me some weird question about some girl who laughed at him and this just magically spilled out of my mouth.  (In all honesty, this is how most of my stuff happens.  I’m just talking to my friends and random awesomeness comes out of my mouth and then I crack myself up and write it down so that you guys get to laugh at it and I get credit for being OH so clever twice.)

There Are Only Four Reason A Girl Will Laugh:

  1. She’s Laughing AT You – You’re pathetic, your hair is weird, it’s hilarious that you actually think she cares about whatever you’re talking about, you’re short, you’re oddly dressed, she’s a bitch, etc, etc.  I’m so sorry.
  2. You Have Managed To Reference An Inside Joke Of Hers – You didn’t know this, but she has a cat named Pickles and so when you asked if she ever eats pickles with her sandwiches you just made a fairly amusing/ironic pun thing at which she is laughing.  For some reason, the mundane thing you said means something else to her, so she’s cracking up.  Hopefully she’ll explain and apologize so you don’t assume it’s one of the other three reasons.
  3. You ACTUALLY Said Something Funny – That story about the bear and your mom’s VW Bug in Montanna last summer was actually a doozy – congratulations.  Tell it again, bro.
  4. You’re Cute – Trust me, when I’m attracted to/interested in/flirting with a guy, everything he says is funny.  Even if he’s not trying to be.  Because a “OMG you are just TOO cute” and a laugh and an arm-touch are never misplaced.

There you go.  You have a rambly opening, an awkward anecdote about my friends, a useless list, and an awkward closing-to-come.  Happy now?  I’m back.

That’s right, I’m back.

1000 Awesome Things: 32-37

Hey there internet! I’m the XDH’s friend A (if you don’t know who I am, see here. I got a nice wool coat, in case you were wondering.). The XDH has been a little *ehem* distracted lately, and I’m procrastinating, so here I am, with some things that I think are awesome:

32. Guest Blogging – I mean, do I really have to explain this? I’m not doing work *and* people I’ve never met are going to read about my life. Plus I get to help out the XDH, who BTW, is pretty awesome herself.

33. Boxes of Love and YESs - So while the XDH’s parents have chickens, mine are basically the cutest parents in the world. I’m from Kentucky, which in case you forgot your geography, is not near the east coast.

In fact, it's pretty far.

As a result of this, I don’t get to see my parents, my house, my cat, or people who call it “pop” hardly ever. I am also the youngest child, so now my parents are empty-nesters. All the above combined means I get packages from my parents. A lot. I like to call them boxes of love, because that’s basically what they are. They usually have the latest edition of my nerdy magazine, some chocolate, a cute card, and some sort of cheesy school supply (like heart-shaped post-its for Valentine’s Day, or pens in my favorite color, you get the drift). I get probably one a month, which is awesome because they also often have some sort of gift card to one of the chains on Main St. too. These boxes of love are mostly assembled by my mother, with the occasional addition (such as a measuring cup) from my father. My father however is the instigator of the YES, which stands for Yellow Envelope System. It’s simple really. Once a week, he sends me a yellow envelope which contains a $20 bill wrapped in a blank piece of paper. All I have to do is text him that I got it, and spend it on doing something with my friends. It is, needless to say, one of the best displays of parental affection ever invented.

34. Boyfriends Safely Stowed in Florida - (as said by the XDH) - So you know how I’m from Kentucky? Well there’s this guy. We dated in high school, but broke up before I went to college (he’s a year younger) because that was the logical thing to do. (Did I mention I’m an engineer and he’s into computer science?) Well the whole being-broken-up thing didn’t really work out for us, so we got back together over Thanksgiving break of my freshmen year. He now attends school in Florida. While the whole boyfriend-being-almost-a-thousand-miles-away thing pretty much sucks, there are a few (very few) upsides. I don’t have to worry about finding anyone, I don’t have to worry that the kid I hooked up with at that party (ok, I’ve never hooked up with anyone and I rarely go to parties, but whatever) will be in my classes next semester. Plus I never have to look nice unless I feel like it, or plan my day around someone else’s schedule. And now I know to watch a movie with someone via Skype, as well as maintain a loving, committed relationship despite the distance. (Insert “Aww” or vomiting here, your choice.)

35. Excel - So not only am I an engineer, I’m also a chemistry major. And as such, I have to take a lot of labs. And all of these labs require the use of the glorious program Excel. Now I know what you’re thinking “What’s so awesome about some graphs?” But Excel is so much more than a bunch of graphs. Excel can take a bunch of points, fit a line to it, and tell you exactly how well the line fits the points. And if you already knew that, well then bully for you, I still think it’s pretty cool. Not to mention that I’m basically a beast with Excel, which means labs are a lot easier.

36. Professors who Dance on Tables in Foreign Countries - So this winter term, I went on a study abroad trip for engineers (I know, I’m a nerd). Our first weekend, which was like our second day, our professor, this middle-aged, balding but bearded Pakistani man, went to a bar with us and got really, uhh, happy. So happy that he danced on a table. This is the same man who only slept four hours a night, ate one meal a day, had only one pair of shoes to traipse around Europe in, and would cross any street at any time, disregarding any and all cars that may interfere with his plans. He’s been to a bunch of different countries and speaks like 4 or 5 different languages. Most of his pictures from the trip are of us sleeping on public transportation or right after we got in from hiking a mountain in the snow, a nine hour plane ride, or getting lost for a few hours on the Paris subway. In short he (and the rest of the people with me) is pretty awesome, and made my month in countries where I don’t speak the language really awesome.

37. Chapstick - I lose my chapstick approximately one every 5 minutes, usually only to find it again after another 5 minutes of frantic searching, after which I apply it like a dehydrated person about to go into the desert. I’m fairly certain I’m addicted, and I’m totally ok with that as long as my lips stay unchapped.

Well lovely internet-readers, that’s all I can think of right now. I suppose I’ll go back to my work now. Or maybe I’ll look for my chapstick…
Peace,
-A