My Evolution teacher this semester, from here on out referred to as Dr. Nye, is the man. He wears shirts that say things like “look at me talking while there’s science to be done” and he calls on everyone in the class at least once a period, but doesn’t know any of our names, thus he uses words like “blue hat guy”, “really tan one in the back row”, “you”, and “purple stripes. look down, you’re wearing stripes. geez.”
So from the very first day of class I knew he would be awesome, because here’s how the lecture began:
Dr. N: You, red shirt, what do you want to do with your life?
Red Shirt: Uhhh…
Dr. N: Ok, what about, YOU, in the glasses. You look like you know what you wanna do with yourself.
Me: I want to go to grad school.
Dr. N: And study?
Dr. N: That’s…weird.
Five minutes later, after a small lecture on grad schools from Dr. N.
Dr. N: Anyone here live on a farm?
Me: Well, my parents have chickens, does that count?
Dr. N: Again with the weird…
So I’ve been writing down every amazing thing he says since then so that I can blog about him. So here we go – hang out to your hats, blue and otherwise.
Knowing about dinosaurs has no potential bearing on us. Should we? Or is it a waste of time and money? It’s cool. That’s worth something.
To study evolution, you need to know a little bit about a lot of things and that’s a very attractive idea to some of us. At this point my heart had already pledged itself to him in a student-stalker kind of way. This is exactly why I’m studying what I am.
When geologists get drunk…thrusting and schist…just go find some geologists and get them drunk. Please.
From his syllabus, word for word: ZOMG wen u email me, pls spell teh words like a grownup, kthxbi.
Google duck penis sometime. They’re really bizarre looking.
Like I said, I think I have a cold. So I’m returning your assignments but don’t put them in your mouth.
Bacteria are sluts for DNA. They will pick it up anywhere.
I’m pretty confident East-Coast-State-We’re-In is the geologically most boring state.
They’re longer then they are wide, I’m sure they’ve been used for contraceptives before.
McNuggets don’t grow on trees, ok?
You, orange hair thingy, yeah, you. Stand up. Pretend you’re in Mexico and it’s 95 degrees…
*Someone’s cell phone goes off* UHOH, someone’s Tamagatchi is bored…
Let’s see….who in here looks like a mutant…
When I was seven I was asking my dad what number was bigger than a thousand. He said a million – it blew my mind. I was an obnoxious child, I kept asking and asking and eventually he said ‘some numbers are too big to have names” so I decided that the smallest unnamed number was now called a Horsejillion. It’s true. We now have a horsejillion bases in this DNA strand and….
Now, there is a little more to sex than crossing over, believe me…
Student: Don’t we have an exam on Thursday?
Dr. N: Oh, we do? I guess I should write that…
After Gregor Mendel, EVERYONE wanted to just go out and do science.
While using Gilligan’s Island as an example population of humans: Two questions, one: how on Earth do you guys know these things about a TV show that was on before your parents were even born?…
We know the skipper and Gilligan aren’t going to reproduce because they’re gay…No, go watch it again. They couldn’t be ‘out’, it was the 60’s. But trust me.
Can you imagine a snake that killed it’s prey not by constricting, not by poison, but by DROPPING from above and crushing it? Wow. I’d watch that documentary.
Let’s say you survive until you’re 90…that seems unlikely for someone wearing a backwards hat, but whatever.
You know that sleep aid ad where the killer moth comes in and forces you to sleep?
If you ARE gonna pass on your genes, god help us….
So, you’re more attractive, in this purely hypothetical situation…
In the wild, for instance, dachshunds wouldn’t do so well. They’re…ridiculous.